


The Mystery of the Floating Body

by LosttotheHoping



Series: Kage no Monogatari [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:43:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LosttotheHoping/pseuds/LosttotheHoping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a body in the swimming pool, and it all goes downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mystery of the Floating Body

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Complete and utter crack, Orochimaru silliness, fun with Kakashi, references to nudity (and The Usual Suspects), general stupidity, AU  
> Prompt: ‘mystery murder at a swimming pool’ & ‘lollipops’

We start our story on the fifth of June, with the Summer sun hanging high in the sky, creating its customary heat like the gods were playing lava toss. Girls and boys alike were doing absolutely  _anything_  they could to escape the blistering weather, or at least forget about it briefly enough that they didn’t notice the developing sunburns.

This included, but was not limited to; stripping naked and streaking through the least populated streets of Konoha (Uzumaki Naruto on one side of town and Jashin Hidan on the other), doing so through more populated streets (Fukumen Tobi), making prompt use of lawn sprinklers (Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura, on two different sides of the street, both trying to claim the attention of the neighborhood in their constant rivalry)… and, of course, swimming.

Now, normally, this would not be a subject of interest for much longer than it takes to see that the majority of those at the local pool were either homicidal or male. However… there was a catch.

Maito Gai – the man in charge of caring for the school pool during the summer months – had discovered a body upon entering the premises that morning. Some poor, nameless student had been drowned under the protection tarp, and there were suspects of course.

A few people had been lingering, supposedly waiting for the place to open, and the body wasn’t long dead. Those people were Chuushin Kakuzu, Nara Shikamaru, Akasuna Sasori, Sabaku Gaara, Temari and Kankuro, Hyuuga Hinata and Neji, and finally-

“Hinata did it,” Kakashi claimed as soon as the police had been called.

Gai blinked while Neji shot the hentai a scathing glare, straightening in clear preparation to rip him a new one. Shikamaru quickly interjected before it could get ugly. “That’s impossible, she was stuck at her house until  _after_  Gai-sensei got here, Hatake-san. I know, because I live next door.”

Neji nodded firmly. “Yes, what he said.”

“Well, it’d be too obvious for Sasori or Kakuzu to have done it!” the belligerent, unemployed pervert insisted. (In the background, both boys rolled their eyes; this was clearly a waste of time.) “So clearly it’s not possible!”

“Do you  _live_  in those dumb books, or is your stupidity natural?” Kankuro asked, eyes rolling.

“It wasn’t Hidan, either, since he was streaking down the block when we started this way…” Temari said thoughtfully, appearing not to notice the argument going on between the men-folk.

Hinata, the missing Jashinist’s girlfriend, immediately rose to his defense. “H-he wouldn’t do it!” Then she paused, turning bright red. “St-strea-streaking?” she squeaked, and promptly fainted.

They all fell silent, eying the prone female consideringly, and Kakashi finally nodded. “It wasn’t her,” he decided. Kankuro fell over in exasperation.

“That leaves the usual suspects, I suppose,” Sasori spoke up thoughtfully. When all eyes fell on him, he shrugged. “Me or Gaara, I mean.”

Temari immediately bristled. “What! My adorable little brother didn’t do it!” she cried, arms flailing. It seemed to escape her that Sasori had included himself.

Both redheads gave her flat looks, and Kakuzu suddenly noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Something green. He slinked off while they were distracted, tiptoeing over to the dollar bill on the ground just by the corner of the building. He reached for it, and it jerked away. He missed the stifled snickering and followed.

Meanwhile…

“Yo, guys, what’s up!” Uchiha Shisui chirped as he and another officer – Uchiha Itachi – wandered over. “We hear you guys gotta dead body-”

“It wasn’t Hinata,” Kakashi claimed firmly as Neji tried to slap the girl awake.

Shisui blinked. “Uh…” Was that a trick question?

Heaving a sigh, Itachi pulled out his notebook, wishing he were with  _his_  girlfriend instead of looking after a possible murder. “I’d like the names of everyone that was present when you arrived, Gai-san,” he said calmly.

While Gai started to list them off, they all heard a loud, painful scream. Kakashi looked around, realized Kakuzu was gone, and gasped. “They’ve gotten Kakuzu-san too!” he cried in horror.

Sasori really really doubted that, but he, the officers and Kakashi left with Gai to go investigate.

Gaara frowned and crossed his arms, turning as he heard footsteps behind him. He blinked. Tobi strolled up like he had every right to be there, sucking on a lollipop idly and smiling in content. “Hey, guys, sup?” he asked cheerfully around the sweet.

Temari turned and gaped. Kankuro fell over again. Hinata – who had finally awoken – fainted, and Neji glowered at the nude boy. “Mou, where’s Orochimaru-san, we were s’posed to meet here,” the black-haired youth added innocently.

Around the side of the shower-house, Shisui and Itachi were trying to calm an irate Kakuzu, who was dangling a terrified Inuzuka Kiba over the pool with a permanent sneer etched onto his face. “Put the dog-fetish-boy down slowly, Kakuzu,” Shisui said calmingly. “Nice and easy, just set him down on the ground, not in the water…”

“I refuse,” was the flat reply, as Kakuzu squeezed harder.

Heaving a sigh, Itachi retrieved his wallet and held out a fifty. “Ka-ku-zu… c’mere, boy, look what I’ve got.”

Green eyes locked on the money, and Kakuzu took a step. Kiba’s dangling legs helplessly scraped along the ground as the money-monger walked after the treat, entranced. Finally, the younger boy was forgotten, and dropped, Kakuzu lunged for the money (tackling Itachi in the process)… and Kakashi sidestepped so as not to get dog-fetish cooties on himself. Gai quickly hurried forward to help the poor injured boy.

Sasori peered around, now in full view of the crime scene, and eyed the dead body under the tarp. “Is that…” He leaned forward, squinting. “Orochimaru?”

“Oh my God, really!?” Kakashi yelped, hurrying forward to peek. “Gai! Why haven’t you called pest control! That’s clearly just extra skin.”

Distracted from comforting the mortified Inuzuka, Gai looked over. “It’s a body,” he protested.

The silver-haired man scoffed and grabbed a leaf scooper, using it to shift the tarp. “Nope. See? Orochimaru molted, that’s all. Problem solved!” He beamed, satisfied that the mystery was solved, and turned.

An arm came up out of the water, pale fingers wrapping around his ankle. Kakashi screamed like a girl, and started whacking at the top of a black-haired head with the leaf scooper. “Lemme goooooo! Evil! Cretin! Snake-scum! Ewwwww!”

Sasori sighed heavily and wandered off, while Itachi finally threw off Kakuzu and quickly got to his feet. Shisui sighed. “Goddamnit, Orochimaru,” he said as the snake-man used Kakashi as a means to climb out of the pool. Despite the one-eyed man’s numerous protests. “That’s the third time this month! Would you give someone a warning first?”

The pale man just grinned, flopping out on the cement as Kakuzu, Gai and Kiba left too. “Sorry,” he replied unrepentantly. “In my defense, I told Tobi.”

The Uchihas blinked as one and turned… just in time for the naked youth in question to round the corner. He gave a loud suck on his lollipop. “Tobi’s here, Orochimaru-san!” he chirped happily. “Ain’t I such a good boy?”

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Characters and Naruto do not belong to me, but to Masashi Kishimoto. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.


End file.
